The Point Of No Return

“Past the point of no return, the final threshold. The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn, we’ve passed the point of no return.” Lyrics from the Phantom of the Opera

I feel that I’ve turned a corner. What that means is still to be determined. All I know is that I feel that there’s no turning back. I keep reflecting on that old adage that the only way out is through. I know that I’m unhappy and that something has to change. I don’t know how but I know it’s going to have to happen and soon or I’m going to break.

When last I wrote I was going to take myself on a date for Valentine’s Day. I went to dinner and took myself to see Moonlight

I’d been avoiding seeing Moonlight because I knew it would dreg up all sorts of emotions. The movie was heartbreaking and uplifting and unexpectedly beautiful. The trailer made me think that the film would be about lost unrequited love and while there is some touches on those themes I was pleased that the male paternal figure seemed to be okay with Little’s burgeoning gayness. 

Moonlight is broken into 3 acts and each act is a mini masterpiece. The first act focuses on Cherion aka Little’s childhood and his relationship with his mom (brilliantly played by Naomie Harris) and the family he falls into. The second act is all about Cherion and his experience with betrayal while the final act brings it all back together in a lovely reunion. The only thing that marred my experience with Moonlight was the reactions of one of the audience members in the theater. We live in an era where same sex marriage is legal but there was still some jackass in the theater that complained whenever there was male on male action onscreen.

Usually when I watch an LGBT film I’m reminded of the fact that I’m alone and I have to confront the feeling I have that I’m going to wind up all alone. I probably shouldn’t have watched Moonlight on Valentine’s Day because it put me in a funk.

Thankfully Nana kidnapped me on Friday night. We’d made plans to see the new 50 Shades movie but, when she showed up all dressed up, I knew something was up. 

The movie was okay. I didn’t watch the first movie but I did read Fifty Shades Of Grey so I had a basic understanding of what was going on during the sequel. I still think that Christian Grey is a controlling asshole but Jamie Dornan is great eye candy so I didn’t mind sitting through the movie. My only thought would be that Jamie Dornan needs to go full frontal. Dakota Johnson has all her ladybits on display but I only saw Dornan ass instead of peen.

After the movie was over Nana surprised me with tickets to the Dirty Show. I still haven’t recieved any financial aid so I had taken attending the Dirty Show off my 2017 things to do list. We made our way down to the Russell Industrial Center and took in the art and the burlesque and the rest. I ran into my friend, Elle, and caught up with her. I was giddy to see that Chris Harderr was back for Dirty Show round 2. He’s so fucking hot. Nana and I had our photo taken, indulged in chocolate penises and hung out in the Daddyhole. Just when I thought the night couldn’t get better we head to Greektown. Nana gives me $20 to spend for my belated birthday gift and I use it to win $30 more on a The Big Bang Theory slot machine.

Beyond the general funk I’ve been in, I’ve been fighting off illness. I’ve been vomiting. It’s one of the least favorite things to do. I don’t know if it’s a physical manifestation of my depression or actaul illness but I’ve been lousy. I did make it to class on Saturday but, as I expected, trying to make my way via bus from school to my house is impractical if I’m supposed to be at Scott’s surprise birthday party by 5:30. I missed it and I missed Lew’s birthday. Fuck it. I feel bad but I’m also at a “I give no fucks” point. 

This past week I’ve realised I really have to take better care of myself. I say that I will but my words never translate into action. Fat Tuesday is in a week. Lent is another point where I can get back on track. I have a week to figure it out.

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